It's the start of a new chapter of life.
One that I never wanted.
I was very happy with the old chapter... the one in which I was happily married to the man love, spending as much time as possible outdoors, conquering mountains and campaigning for access for all.
I was looking forward to growing old together, to ticking things off our bucket list and making wonderful memories together.
But Frigging bastard cancer got in the way.
And took Andy away from me.
Frigging bastard cancer.
Within 12 weeks of going to the doctors with a pain in his shoulder, Andy passed away.
It's not fair.
Andy was my best friend, my soul mate, my rock and my husband.
People ask me - 'How you doing?'
Just can't explain the pain. I feel hollow and I feel emptiness.
I thought I was having a heart attack.... my heart was pounding, my head was hurting, my limbs were numb.
The doctor has assured me that I'm not having a heart attack but there is an attack on my heart.
What I'm suffering with is a broken heart.
It's anxiety, it's a panic attack.
'Time will heal'
Heard this so many times - time will heal.
With each new thing I do, my heart is pounding.
Just simple things, like going to the shops or visiting friends.
My heart pounds.
I could quite easily stay in bed.
It's safe in bed.
I feel comfortable wrapped in my blanket of love.
But it isn't life.
It's time to face the world - however hard it seems.
Does time heal?
I saw this meme the other day.
Don't know where it's came from, but it has really helped me to start to review and refocus on my new life.
Grief doesn't shrink. but in time I will grow and I will conquer the pain that I'm feeling right now.
I'm starting a new chapter in life.
But I can do.
I've got an awesome family and supportive friends.
I'm Debbie North and I can do it.